Redaction d'Anglais à écrire, y a-t-il des fautes ?

Redaction d'Anglais à écrire, y a-t-il des fautes ? - Aide aux devoirs - Emploi & Etudes

Marsh Posté le 31-01-2008 à 17:36:41    

Bonjour,
 
Pouvez-vous m'aider à corriger les fautes de grammaire mais aussi de syntaxe, des phrases mal tournées etc... ? C'est à écrire sous la forme d'une fable, avec une morale à la fin.
 
                              How the bee got its wings
 
     A long time ago, the bee was a small creature who had no wings. It was working as usual. This bee had to find some flowers to collect nectar for the Queen bee who was a very strict leader but it was the only solution to expand the beehive.
Indeed, bees were idle animals who nevers wanted to go out of the hive because they only had their feet to move.
     One day, the smallest bee of the beehive was looking for a nice flower thanks to its eyes with a view to collecting nectar.
Of course, the best one for the Queen ! Anyway, it had no choice since when something dos not enjoy itself, the defendant always has serious troubles.
So, the bee climbed in top of the flower which was just wonderful, a somptuous red. It saw nectar in the flower, a shiny, sweet and really excellent nectar. "The bee will be satisfied" it thought.
       Then, it went down and walked. All of a sudden, it fell on the ground because of a stone. "Oh no, my foot is brocken" the bee said.
Near it, there was the hornet hive which bees did not always have friendly relations. It crept to a guard and looked at it.
"What happenned to you, bee ? "
"I cannot walk any more."
"Oh, you are wounded. I think I can bring you to our great King."
"With pleasure !"
         So, the kind hornet who had wings flew away with the bee on the back to its hive which was on a tree. When they arrived, they were just in front of the King and knelt.
"Why is there a bee in my hive ?"
"Sire, I thought I could help this little bee since it is wounded.."
"Hum, sure. What is in your bag, little bee ?"
"The best nectar in this wood !"
"Well, we are hungry because somebody stole our food, my food ! Besides, we cannot eat nectar very often since we cannot find the best flowers despite our wings. Our smell is not as developed as yours."
"Yes, I understand."
"If you give us the half of your nectar which seems delicious, I will give you wings."
"Good idea !"
"I have a best one. If you promise to bring back nectar once a month to us, i will give to each bee of your hive a pair of wings."
"I promise."
         Finally, the bee could return to its hive and the Queen was very happy of this good nectar as well as frindship created thanks to this small bee with the hornets. They were deprived of wings, not any more.
 
The moral of this story is that we must help each other and each one is important, little or big. That's why we must respect each other because one day we can need someone we don't like and we can accomplish feats.
 
 
 
 
Du niveau seconde, merci de votre aide. :jap:


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Je reste. :o
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Marsh Posté le 31-01-2008 à 17:36:41   

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Marsh Posté le 31-01-2008 à 18:31:26    

Up !


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Je reste. :o
Reply

Marsh Posté le 31-01-2008 à 19:45:27    

Citation :

                       How the bee got its wings
 
     A long time ago, the bee was a small creature who had no wings. It was working as usual. This bee had to find some flowers to collect nectar for the Queen bee who was a very strict leader but it was the only solution to expand the beehive.
Indeed, bees were idle animals who nevers wanted to go out of the hive because they only had their feet to move.
     One day, the smallest bee of the beehive was looking for a nice flower thanks to its eyes with a view to collecting nectar.
Of course, the best one for the Queen ! Anyway, it had no choice since when something dos not enjoy itself, the defendant always has serious troubles.
So, the bee climbed in top of the flower which was just wonderful, a somptuous red. It saw nectar in the flower, a shiny, sweet and really excellent nectar. "The bee will be satisfied" it thought.
       Then, it went down and walked. All of a sudden, it fell on the ground because of a stone. "Oh no, my foot is brocken" the bee said.
Near it, there was the hornet hive which bees did not always have friendly relations. It crept to a guard and looked at it.
"What happenned to you, bee ? "
"I cannot walk any more."
"Oh, you are wounded. I think I can bring you to our great King."
"With pleasure !"
         So, the kind hornet who had wings flew away with the bee on the back to its hive which was on a tree. When they arrived, they were just in front of the King and knelt.
"Why is there a bee in my hive ?"
"Sire, I thought I could help this little bee since it is wounded.."
"Hum, sure. What is in your bag, little bee ?"
"The best nectar in this wood !"
"Well, we are hungry because somebody stole our food, my food ! Besides, we cannot eat nectar very often since we cannot find the best flowers despite our wings. Our smell is not as developed as yours."
"Yes, I understand."
"If you give us the half of your nectar which seems delicious, I will give you wings."
"Good idea !"
"I have a best one. If you promise to bring back nectar once a month to us, i will give to each bee of your hive a pair of wings."
"I promise."
         Finally, the bee could return to its hive and the Queen was very happy of this good nectar as well as frindship created thanks to this small bee with the hornets. They were deprived of wings, not any more.
 
The moral of this story is that we must help each other and each one is important, little or big. That's why we must respect each other because one day we can need someone we don't like and we can accomplish feats.


 
Bon, spa mal rédigé du tout ton truc !  
Je vais pas tout te corriger parce que c'est pas le but, mais ça devrait être assez facile de te corriger avec un dico.  
 
Juste quelques précisions:  
- le "who" dans ta première phrase fait bizarre, je comprends bien que ton abeille est personifiée mais ça fait quand même bizarre de voir un who tout de suite. Mais c'est pas vraiment faux donc ça passera.
- "The bee will be satisfied", c'était pas the Queen ?
- "hornet hive which" il manque un mot là.
- "on the back" normalement niveau seconde tu devrais connaître.
- "smell" je te le donne parce que pas évident à trouver autrement, faut dire "sense of smell", smell tout seul ça suffit pas pour dire l'odorat dans ce cas.
 
Le reste tu peux te débrouiller, normalement tu tapes au moins un 15 avec ça. C'est carrément bien. :jap:  

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Marsh Posté le 31-01-2008 à 20:00:34    

Citation :

                       How the bee got its wings
 
     A long time ago, the bee was a small creature who had no wings. It was working as usual. This bee had to find some flowers to collect nectar for the Queen bee who was a very strict leader but it was the only solution to expand the beehive.
Indeed, bees were idle animals who nevers wanted to go out of the hive because they only had their feet to move.
     One day, the smallest bee of the beehive was looking for a nice flower thanks to its eyes with a view to collecting nectar.
Of course, the best one for the Queen ! Anyway, it had no choice since when something dos not enjoy itself, the defendant always has serious troubles.
So, the bee climbed in top of the flower which was just wonderful, a somptuous red. It saw nectar in the flower, a shiny, sweet and really excellent nectar. "The bee will be satisfied" it thought.
       Then, it went down and walked. All of a sudden, it fell on the ground because of a stone. "Oh no, my foot is brocken" the bee said.
Near it, there was the hornet hive which bees did not always have friendly relations. It crept to a guard and looked at it.
"What happenned to you, bee ? "
"I cannot walk any more."
"Oh, you are wounded. I think I can bring you to our great King."
"With pleasure !"
         So, the kind hornet who had wings flew away with the bee on the back to its hive which was on a tree. When they arrived, they were just in front of the King and knelt.
"Why is there a bee in my hive ?"
"Sire, I thought I could help this little bee since it is wounded.."
"Hum, sure. What is in your bag, little bee ?"
"The best nectar in this wood !"
"Well, we are hungry because somebody stole our food, my food ! Besides, we cannot eat nectar very often since we cannot find the best flowers despite our wings. Our smell is not as developed as yours."
"Yes, I understand."
"If you give us the half of your nectar which seems delicious, I will give you wings."
"Good idea !"
"I have a best one. If you promise to bring back nectar once a month to us, i will give to each bee of your hive a pair of wings."
"I promise."
         Finally, the bee could return to its hive and the Queen was very happy of this good nectar as well as frindship created thanks to this small bee with the hornets. They were deprived of wings, not any more.
 
The moral of this story is that we must help each other and each one is important, little or big. That's why we must respect each other because one day we can need someone we don't like and we can accomplish feats.


 
je dis juste ou est l'erreur
 
sinon, c'est très bien, jolie à raconter pour les enfants


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salaire français : ici - salaire suisse : ici - salaire belge : ici
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Marsh Posté le 31-01-2008 à 21:07:13    

Merci beaucoup pour votre aide. :jap:
Les fautes bêtes d'orthographe, c'est mon doigt qui a rippé. :D
 
Pour le reste, tu as raison. :jap:
J'ai toujours un doute sur "on the back". :D Je sais que c'est vraiment une expression simple....mais j'vois pas trop (erreur de préposition ? Le "the" en trop ? ....)
 
Pour "hornet hive which" il manque le "avec" donc hornet hive with which :??: (ça fait un peu bizzare...)
 
N'hésitez pas à intervenir encore si vous pouvez m'aider. :)


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Je reste. :o
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Marsh Posté le 31-01-2008 à 21:59:52    

Citation :

Je sais que c'est vraiment une expression simple


Pas forcément aussi simple qu'elle en a l'air. Et effectivement c'est bien au niveau du the qu'il y a un problème.
 
With which, ça marche parfaitement.

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Marsh Posté le 31-01-2008 à 22:07:11    

A la place du "the", mettre "its" peut-être. Ou carrément le supprimer.


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Je reste. :o
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Marsh Posté le 01-02-2008 à 13:33:39    

c'est ça


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salaire français : ici - salaire suisse : ici - salaire belge : ici
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